What If?

What if I was famous and had money? What if I had access to the drugs, the fashion, the attention? Would that really change who I am on the inside?Would I still be a mentally screwed, scared-as-heck high school kid inside? We glorify these mortals, these ordinary humans. These people who are just like us on the inside. Why? Because we all want a god, someone to believe in, someone who we can think is perfect. Like there’s hope.

And I’ve dreamed it all. Somehow, I’d make it into the southern side of Cali, do something amazing with my life (preferably act, with Oscars and success minus the sexual abuse coming from the directors and agents), and it would be Chanel and power from then on. School wouldn’t be the equivalent of a musty, old, sexist, racist, illogical group of people in an equally musty and old building with sucky lockers. Everyone would want to be friends with me, and I would have the chance to turn them down, because screw them.

And somehow all of my pain and agony would just…disappear into the silk folds of my pillowcase, the smell of the cash stacks, the flash of the cameras. Somehow, I would be beautiful and thin. Somehow.

But in reality, there’s no way I can get rid of the memories. “Making it out” isn’t going to change the fact that I’m a sexual assault survivor, or that I’m adopted because my mom didn’t want me, let alone my dad even knowing me. In reality, my idol is just as human as me. Blood, bones, and flesh. Two eyes, two arms, two legs. Hair, scapulae, and femurs. Becoming famous doesn’t fix your problems, and it doesn’t make you untouchable. And most of all, fame doesn’t erase your memories.

We are each destined to our own future.

Whether that be paparazzi and limos or your everyday scrubs and a Toyota that needs an oil change. Our number of followers, the count of scandals on our hands, and our new clothes — that doesn’t make us. The people in our lives, how we treat them, and what we do with the time handed to …that’s what matters. So no, it’s not wrong to cling to your little dreams for a while, but don’t let that become what you think about every second of every night and day. Don’t get caught up in the “What If…?”’s of life…make the most of what you have. It’s all you can do.

And maybe one day, it’ll come to you. That friend of a friend, the little bump in the grocery store. But be prepared for if it doesn’t.